The Hardest Thing
by Old Romantic
Summary: A bday fic for auntof3. Set between S2 The Getaway and Phase One. Vaughn and Weiss talk about Vaughn's date with Sydney.


**Disclaimer:** The difference between owning the rights to a TV show and me? I'm still writing these characters just for fun and NO PAY over two years after it ended. TPTB – the ones making the money – have moved on to other things.

**Summary: **B-day fic for Tracie **auntof3**. Her guidelines: Any character in any fandom we share (either _Alias _or_ Supernatural_), and a quote from _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ (the TV show): "The hardest thing in this world…is to live in it."

**A/N:** A couple of things: I am not a BtVS (TV) fan, so I don't know what context this quote was used – the muse just used her imagination. Secondly, I skimmed through watching "The Getaway" while I was making lunch and I _think_ I got all the details ironed out. If not, though, and you happen to catch something my betas and I missed, please forgive us. It originally aired five years ago, for crying out loud.

I have to admit: I've always wanted to write a fic covering the switch from "The Getaway" to "Phase One" since it always seemed like such a jump. I'm so glad the muse was finally inspired! (Thanks, Tracie!)

Smooches to **Biba** and **yumytaffy** for betaing on such short notice!!

Hope you like it, Tracie! Once again, happy birthday!

And to everyone, enjoy!!

* * *

Since arriving home after handing in his report, Vaughn had just sat down on his couch, thinking. He'd managed to somehow fudge his way through his debrief after meeting with Sydney, making something plausible up – even _he_ didn't remember what, exactly. The mission had been a success despite their stupidity, so he and Sydney had decided that doing whatever it took to keep their partnership was the most important thing. And if that meant lying through their teeth…well, it was what they would do.

He hadn't bothered to change clothes or make himself anything to eat; he could only sit and recall every second of that wonderful dinner he'd had with Syd…and how it would probably be their last. He _had_ to get over her and get her out of his mind, his heart, his _soul_, or else the CIA would make it easy for him by having him transported somewhere across the world.

Yes, Weiss was right: Their feelings for one another probably _were_ the reason they'd been a successful team. After all, if it hadn't been for their closeness, he probably wouldn't have risked his career by breaking protocol and going into SD-6 when they'd be taken hostage by McKenas Cole; and Sydney wouldn't have jeopardized her SD-6 mission in France, in order to find him after they'd been separated in Taipei. In either situation – if not for their concern for one another and they hadn't broken the rules – one of them would have otherwise died. Although Sydney sometimes went against orders if she felt it was for the good of her country or the mission or the welfare of another human being, Vaughn rarely compromised his good standing with his superiors…except when it involved one Sydney Bristow. But he feared that with growing closer, they might lose that success; he was sure they'd have to remain at arms' length and swallow their feelings as they always had, in order to keep up their good record.

Vaughn held his head in his hands when he realized just how close he'd come to crossing the line he'd so meticulously avoided in the year and a half of knowing Sydney. To keep her safe, he couldn't be seen with her in public – except for the occasional clandestine meeting – and since having a relationship would be difficult only seeing each other at work, they'd kept their feelings hidden, and pretended that there was nothing between them. Kissing her as he'd wanted to in that alley that night would've changed all that.

Sighing, Vaughn's left hand slid down to his mouth and he took a breath, trying not to think of how it would feel to kiss her as he did a thousand times since meeting her. Every time she talked, he found it difficult not to stare at her lips; he had to fight to keep his distance and not give in to the pull of gravity to her arms and kiss her senseless. It was a daily battle, and yet, it was one he wouldn't trade for all the cushy assignments in the world.

He sighed again and leaned back against his couch pillows, trying to figure out how they were going to get through the next months and/or years it was going to take to abolish SD-6, now that their mutual feelings were known. With his invitation to dinner and her acceptance, they'd admitted that there was an attraction; all traces of their previous argument simply melted away. Over dinner, he even went a step further by suggesting that they take advantage of the hotel room the manager had given to them for the night, and she'd blushed – and, oh, man, how he loved to see her flustered – accepting his proposal before they were interrupted by the gunmen who'd tracked them down. Looking back, he wasn't sure what might've transpired in that room had they had the opportunity. There was still SD-6 to contend with, and he still hadn't dealt with officially breaking up with Alice…

Wincing at the thought of his semi-girlfriend, Vaughn sat up again and rubbed at his face. Since she was the one he'd had listed as his emergency contact back when he was sick with the virus, the hospital had called her. She'd sat by his side as much as possible, and she nursed him back to health when he was released, using up all of her sick days from work. He couldn't ignore her sacrifice, and he was lonely; so when she suggested giving their relationship another shot, he decided that it might be a good idea, hopefully using Alice as a distraction to keep his mind off of Sydney.

Not that it worked. If anything, his relationship with Alice only made him compare the two women on a daily basis. And there was no comparison to the way Sydney made him feel.

_Stop it_, his mind thought, arguing with his heart that naturally wanted to call and meet with her and fold her into his arms… He'd had many a fantasy like that while meeting with her alone and safe in that warehouse – and they weren't _all_ sexual. Sometimes he imagined what it would be like to have a normal occurrence like greeting with a kiss, or hugging her when she was discouraged, or holding hands as they discussed what their future would be like together without SD-6. And many times, he'd rationalized that that kind of partnership would work better than what they had now, but that was just his selfishness talking. He couldn't give her half a relationship, meeting only in the warehouse or other authorized safe houses, constantly risking her life for the sake of making _him_ feel better. No, it was better if they went back to hiding their feelings, pretending that they were just friends and great partners.

A knock at his door only annoyed him; he didn't want visitors. If it was Alice, she'd think he wasn't home and leave, as would anyone else, he hoped. He just kept his position on the couch and didn't make a sound.

But a few seconds later, the door opened, and Vaughn cursed himself for not locking it when he'd arrived home. "Hey, man," Vaughn heard behind him, and he didn't want to admit how relieved he was to discover that it wasn't Alice. Before he could greet his best friend, Weiss commented, "Why are you sitting here in the dark?"

"It's not dark," Vaughn lightly argued, but at the same time, he lifted his head and realized he hadn't turned on even one lamp since arriving home. He corrected himself with a laugh, "I don't know."

"So, how'd it go?" he asked, rounding the end of the couch. He clicked on a lamp on his way by. "Did you meet with Syd?"

"Yeah," Vaughn smiled, blinking back the shock of the light as he looked up at him. "She gave me the real gyroscope."

"What?" Weiss chuckled as he sat on the arm of the loveseat. "How'd she manage that?"

Vaughn shook his head, and relayed the account of Sydney's amazing on-the-spot thinking. Once she knew that Ariana Kane's agents that Vaughn had killed in that alley wouldn't be searched for, she'd gone ahead and given Sloane the fake gyroscope, knowing she was out of danger. "Always be prepared," she'd said, impressing Vaughn, and he relived that emotion with the expression on his face.

"Wow, that's smart," Weiss had to agree. "And your report? Did you leave out the date?"

Nodding, Vaughn admitted, "Yeah." Then he remarked, "It's probably not the greatest career move I've ever made…"

"Yeah, but it was the right one. Come on, you and Sydney didn't do anything wrong."

"Yeah, not yet, anyway," Vaughn mumbled, sobering a bit.

"Okay, so, you went on a date," Weiss granted. "At least now you know that she feels the same way about you. You should be celebrating."

Vaughn looked up at his friend for the first time and with a laugh, he repeated incredulously, "Celebrating? Sydney and I almost…"

Weiss seemed to hang on the words, as if waiting for the other shoe to fall when he could've heard a pin drop.

"We just… We could've made things a lot worse for us," Vaughn half-admitted, but as suspected, it only made Weiss curious – not that he wasn't interested in confiding his secret with his best friend.

"How could it be worse? It's not like you were going to sleep –" The realization dawned on him, and it was so clear, it was almost as if a light bulb had actually appeared over his head. "You mean, it was actually discussed—?"

"Not…exactly," Vaughn tried to explain. He told Weiss how the hotel owner had given them a key to a room upstairs, offering it to them for the night.

"Whoa," exclaimed Weiss, chuckling. "And Syd agreed to it?"

"After some convincing, yeah," Vaughn solemnly confessed.

Weiss thought out loud, "She must've been drunk," but quickly backpedaled when Vaughn glared up at him. "I just mean that I can imagine Syd trying to stay grounded in that kind of situation. I mean, I could see her breaking the rules for the life of another, but sleeping with you on a mission? Just doesn't seem like something she'd do."

"Well, she wasn't drunk," Vaughn reiterated. "And, like I said, I had to convince her to give it a shot, despite all of our…problems. I'm sure there would've been a lot more discussion in the room before anything happened, _if_ we'd made it there."

Out of the corner of his eye, Vaughn saw Weiss nod. "Does this mean you broke up with Alice?"

Vaughn shook his head slowly, as if he didn't want to admit it.

Weiss leaned forward and warned, "You've got to, man. You can't keep her hanging on like that."

"I know," he quickly accepted. "It's just not an easy thing – she keeps saying that our relationship would be perfect if we just worked on it—"

"And that'd be fine," Weiss interjected, "if it weren't for the _other woman_ that you just happened to love."

Vaughn's head snapped up and he stared at Weiss for a moment. "You think I'm in love with Syd?"

"You think you _aren't_?"

Refocusing on the signed hockey puck in its clear plastic case that sat in the middle of his coffee table, Vaughn considered that. He'd never been in love before so he wasn't sure what that felt like.

Anticipating his ambiguity, Weiss asked, "Do you think about her all the time, even when you're not at work?"

"Yeah, but she's my asset, so I would think that would be a good thing for a handler, anyway."

"Okay," Weiss nodded. "Well, can you imagine your life without her? I mean, how upset would you be if you were transferred to another assignment or city or country? And before you answer," he rushed ahead, "forget for a moment about how well you work as a team."

"I…" Vaughn opened his mouth and then seriously thought about his friend's question. Could he get by without seeing her anymore? Without hearing her voice or seeing her smile that drove him crazy, or longing for her touch, whether intentional or accidental…? "No," he answered on a long breath. Then he covered his face with his hands. "Oh, god, I love her." He inhaled, fighting against the tightness in his chest with just the thought of having to say goodbye to her forever. "There's no way I could live without her." He looked up again. "What am I going to do, Eric?"

"You're going to do exactly what I told you to do the other night, and _tell her how you feel_."

"What? Are you crazy? I already tried to do that and look how that turned—"

Interrupting again, Weiss reminded him, "No, we've already discussed this: you asked her to _dinner_; I didn't tell you to do that."

"Well, I wasn't going to say how attracted I am to her in a room full of agents."

"I'll give you that," Weiss allowed. "But that shouldn't stop you from getting her alone – which can be done any time, any place you normally see her – and telling her how you feel. Especially since now you know for sure that you love her."

Vaughn shook his head. "So, I just pull her to the side and say, what? 'I love you and I don't know what to do about it'?"

"Well, she might be a little shocked to hear The Three Little Words, so you might want to hold off on that until the time is right, but I'd at least admit to your attraction to her, just so that's out in the open."

"I think she already knows by my actions the other night," Vaughn muttered embarrassedly.

"All the more reason to discuss your feelings," he continued. "At least this way you'll find out just what she's thinking too, and hey, maybe you can figure out a way to deal with it, once you know you're on the same page."

Sighing once more, Vaughn knew, "It may be a long time before SD-6 is brought down, and Sydney and I may never get to be together."

"Then, if things get harder and you can't deal with it anymore, I'm sure the two of you will figure out a way to run away together." Vaughn looked up at him as if he'd never considered that possibility. "Just remember to let your best friend know what deserted island you end up on, okay?"

The weight of the world seemed to rest on Vaughn's shoulders in that moment and Weiss didn't miss it. Reaching over to clasp his friend's shoulder, he told him, "Remember: The hardest thing in this world," he paused dramatically, "is to live in it. But that shouldn't stop you from trying; especially when it comes to the woman you love."

He stood up, preparing to leave. "And now that I've injected some impressive wisdom into your otherwise unimpressive life," he teased and Vaughn snorted, "I'm going to leave you to sleep on it." He turned for the door. "See you tomorrow."

Smiling as his friend left, Vaughn barely registered the clicking of the door latch. And he knew Weiss was right again: If he and Sydney shared their feelings, they might be easier to deal with, working together with them as a team as always. It made sense, and not only that, but it seemed like the only way through this crazy little thing called love – at least in their convoluted circumstances.

Suddenly exhausted, Vaughn got up and readied himself for bed, curiously wondering as he drifted off to sleep just how Sydney might react to his confession, and what he would say in that moment when it came. He figured he'd wing it instead of trying to write out some ornate speech that sounded rehearsed and dry and lacking in the love he truly felt for her. It was so fulfilling to have a name for what he felt for Sydney: he _loved_ her. He'd finally found his soulmate.

He was woken up by the ringing of his phone, and was shocked to see that it was almost eight o'clock, since that was later than he normally slept in. The previous mission and all the emotion wrapped up in it must've wiped him out more than he'd thought. But it didn't matter now – he had a conversation to get to, among other things – like the business of his assignment.

The phone call was an announcement that everyone was being called in by nine for an emergency meeting. Something big was going down, and anyone who was part of the SD-6 and Alliance team was required to be there. Vaughn didn't bother asking the peon who'd made the call just what was involved because he knew he wouldn't know. Instead, he jumped up and quickly showered, hoping to catch Sydney _before_ the meeting, as soon as she got in.

Whatever happened with what he was sure was going to be a fateful conversation, he knew one thing: he was in it for the long haul. No matter how hard it was going to be and what challenges they would face, Sydney was going to be his one true love forever.


End file.
